Mental Efflux

I am ill… I am broken…

This weekend I locked the door of our condo, got into the car and headed down toward to visit the family in Colorado Springs. I distinctly remember shutting the door, opening it again to make sure I turned off all the lights, closing it again and locking the doorknob lock. As soon as the Wifey pulled out onto the main road I started to feel very anxious about the front door. While I did remember locking  the doorknob bolt I couldn’t remember locking the deadbolt. Furthermore, I didn’t ‘feel’ like I had locked the door.

I expressed this feeling to the Wifey. We spoke about whether I remembered locking the door. She said that was enough for her. She trusted that I did it before I left for the car. Her reasoning was sound and I intellectually understood it. But, I couldn’t quite seem to trust my memory and that anxious feeling I had wouldn’t go away. I even found myself questioning whether I had actually shut the door itself. I simply fixated on the issue until we arrived at our destination.

I was able to set it aside for most of the remainder of the day. I let myself get distracted by visiting with family. But, I awoke at 3am the next morning, in the throws of a full on anxiety attack and ready to drive all the way back up to Boulder just to check on the door. The Wifey was able to calm me down enough so that I was able to fitfully get back to sleep.

Later that morning I was got a hold of a friend and he went to the Condo to check the door. It was locked. I was finally able to actually enjoy the rest of the weekend.

I’d like to say that this sorta thing doesn’t happen to me very often. But, as I talked to the Wifey about it I realized, or finally recognized, that that simply isn’t the case. In hindsight I can now see numerous times where similar situations have arisen. For instance, I used to wake up and wonder if I had shut off the laminator at work. I’ve actually gone into work on the weekend to check. Now, I unplug the damn thing before leaving for the day and walk around the area with a mental checklist to make sure I will remember that everything is turned off.

I’ve known for awhile that I have some issues with my mental health. A couple of years ago my doctor thought I might have SAD. She prescribed Vitamin D and light therapy for the winter months. I really felt that this combination helped me get through some tough patches. The Wifey could actually tell if I skipped a dose or hadn’t sat in front of my light. Sadly, I was feeling fine so I stopped taking the Vitamin D sometime in late summer (I think). I didn’t start taking it again as the winter months came on. I thought I was doing ok. I now know I was wrong. I’ve been moody and snippy with the Wifey and friends and I didn’t even realize it.

I’m sorry guys, I didn’t know… I’ve restarted the Vitamin D and light therapy. It’ll take a bit before I find an even keel again but I’m working on it. Please hang in there.

Still, I’m not sure that SAD is actually what has been happening with the anxiety/fixation thing. Granted it might be part of it or somehow feed into it but I don’t think it’s the whole of it. I’ve seen the symptoms before and I’m well aware of what can happen to a person who chooses to repeatedly ignore them or is too afraid to ask for help.

I’ve always feared that there would be a time when I’d manifest the symptoms myself. Perhaps I’ve known for awhile that I was experiencing them and I’ve just been trying to ignore them. I’m actually not sure. Regardless, they seem so damn obvious now.

So next week I’ll be seeing if I can set up an appointment to see a mental health specialist. I’m hoping that they can give me a diagnosis for whatever it is that I’ve ‘got’ and that there is a course of treatment. The prospects terrify the hell outta me. I’m well aware that there is still a social stigma attached to mental illness and even me discussing this in such a public forum may have unforeseen consequences for my career and whatnot. But, I just want to be better and there may come a time when I feel ‘just fine’ when I’m really not. It’s for those times that I write this.

I am ill… I am broken…

This last week I commented on Facebook that my favorite two aspects of the season are the gift giving and when the Holiday music ceases at the end of it. I suspect that I touched something of a nerve given the replies I got and the conversations that came of it outside of cyberspace. While the comment was initially made in a tongue and cheek fashion, I find myself giving considerably more thought to my perspective on the subject and the reactions I received.

One of the things that seems most clear, at least to me, is that people are appalled by the fact that I stated that the presents were one of my favorite parts. This was just pure honesty on my part. Who the hell doesn’t like to get presents? Come on, let’s be honest with ourselves here…

“No! The reason for the season is the birth of Christ!” I hear the choirs of faithful yelling already.

Um… okay. Setting aside all the issues inherent in that statement, let me just reiterate that I’m NOT Christian so this aspect of the Holiday season doesn’t speak to me as it might to others. As such, I don’t have to be concerned with the commercialization of my religious belief or that sorta thing. I don’t have to pretend to be appalled by it while I’m busy shopping for gifts. I can simply look at all the wrapped gifts and say ‘Gimme! Gimme!’ Guilt free! Bwahahahahaha!

As for the quip about the Christmas music, I am completely aware that my non-Christian tendencies play a key part in why I can’t stand most of it. I really dislike Christian music, gospel, etc. It’s not really the musical component but rather the content of what the songs are about. Most of the time I can easily avoid listening to it. However, usually starting just after Halloween it begins to play on the radio and in stores. By the time Christmas Eve comes around it’s EVERYWHERE. The same songs, sung by a myriad of different artists and most with connotations that they don’t really seem to understand. So, yes, when it finally ceases I’m rather happy about it. If some like it, great, enjoy! My dislike for it isn’t a condemnation of those that do enjoy it.

I can understand the anger and frustration which seems to be the foundation of the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement. I don’t condone the use of pepper spray against them and all that crap, as long as the protests are actually non-violent and non-destructive.

However, what I don’t have a clear picture of is what the next step for the movement is beyond the protests themselves. For instance, let’s say the ‘powers that be’ say ‘Ok. We’re listening. What are your issues? What do you recommend we do to solve them?” So far the only instance I know of this happening resulted in the group here in Denver promoting a dog to serve as a spokes person.

This type of behavior, the ‘Let’s bitch and moan because we can but not actually be part of the solution.’ perplexes me. If you strive for change but can’t articulate your agenda or offer options to solve the situation what exactly are you doing other than whining?

One of the projects I’m working on is to skin and promo the RPG Roundtable. So far I’ve redone the logo, created business cards and redone some of the icons. I’m really happy with how the logo turned out. Take a gander

So, last week was the first of Mock School! It went… well, it sputtered really. I sat down at the PC on Tuesday last week, made it through the first half of a three hour tutorial on Adobe Illustrator provided by the company I worked for. Now, I appreciate access to tutorials but the audio quality and pacing were really poor. I don’t need to spend 15 minutes going through how to save a file… sheesh. I then turned to actually using Illustrator and did a few doodles. I puttered out before the 3 hour mark and didn’t return to stuff at all last week.

Nope, not a great start.

So tonight, after struggling to wake up from a nap, I sat down with both Illustrator and Photoshop. I decided to forgo the tutorials for now since they seem to be a complete mental drain for me. I learned more tonight from trying out different things and reading a bit this afternoon on how to setup pressure sensitivity in the programs to take advantage of the Wacom’s abilities.  I completed one project, which resulted in a shitty segmented illustration of a flower. In each box I used a different brush type. It’s a technique I remembered using in a high school art class… It’s the process that’s important, not the final result… Well, that’s what I’m telling myself anyhow.

Regardless, the number one thing I learned is that creating something in Photoshop is going to be very different Illustrator. Obvious? Probably, but a good lessen to learn at the start… I’ve never actually had access to illustrator before this month

I’m also learning quite a bit about my own style of learning. Basically, I need something to work on, a problem that needs to be solved. Simply repeating steps in a process to do something, while useful to some, doesn’t seem to hold my attention much…

Aside from that I also find that I might need to get a bit more sleep…