It’s Official. I have OCD.

OCD… I have OCD… Fuck.

We, the psychiatrist and I, worked our way through the checklist. The questions seemed so simple. I answered them, trying to keep my emotions in check, struggling to be honest even though I knew what that would reveal to both of us.

It’s official. I have OCD…

Now what? Apparently there are two forms of treatment, medication or in-patient treatment. Medication is the norm but one I won’t do without continued counseling. For me it’s got to be a tool to give me headroom to develop the tools necessary to live without it. Luckily, the doc and I are on the same page regarding this. The second, in-patient treatment, where the obsessive thoughts are triggered and then you’re not permitted to follow through on the compulsion, has proven successful for some. However, it’s apparently agonizing emotionally. I’ve tried to resist the compulsions, sometimes I’m successful, but the struggle is anything but pleasant. Still, I won’t dismiss the in-patient option simply because I’m afraid of the pain.

I have OCD… How severe? Anything else?

We’re still working on this. We only had an hour after all. But I have homework, worksheets regarding depression and anxiety, exercises to reduce stress. I won’t remain idle. Next time I know we’ll go deeper, explore more hidden issues and possibly find symptoms that the OCD has masked. An anxiety disorder is likely to be found. The Doc suspects it. So do I.

I also won’t hide. I won’t be ashamed.

Having OCD doesn’t decrease my worth as a person. It’s doesn’t mean I’m insane. I know that the obsession is irrational, even as I’m feeling the emotions and the tugs of the compulsions. I may not have the strength to ignore them but that doesn’t mean that I can’t resist, that I can’t fight against them. Others have their own issues, this is mine. But, I won’t let it define me.

I have OCD. It doesn’t have me.

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